Anxiety

Well it is 2am and I can't sleep.  I felt that I needed to sit down and take you on the journey that is my anxiety issues.  I am not really even sure where to begin because I can't pinpoint how long this has been going on.  The purpose of this blog is for me to talk about it (which helps) and to hopefully help someone who might be suffering from the same things and me and feeling alone as I am.

I have always been a nervous person.  For as far back as I can remember, I remember being scared of certain situations.  I can remember hearing of a kid hurting himself at McDonald's and me being terrified to go eat there.  I can remember getting nervous in Walmart one time when I was about 8 and crying every single time my parents would want to go there.  I believe this was all the start of my anxiety.

In high school I started having issues with my heart racing.  They could never find a reason.  The doctor convinced me I was fine and that my heart just beats faster than most peoples.  By this point I had gained a large anxiety for hospitals, doctors, nurses, anyone in the medical field, including firefighters and police officers.  I don't know where this fear comes from.  I don't know why I'm scared of the people who can help me the most.  I took what the doctor said and the prescription Propranalol that he gave me and tried to be a normal teenager.

It wasn't until my first son Jordan was born that it really hit me.  I had a hard pregnancy with many issues.  At one point I had such low potassium levels that my legs stopped working right.  When I would stand they would collapse under me and I would fall.  This created a whole new sense of anxiety.  I was scared to go out in public for fear that this would happen again and I would cause a scene.  For a year I would not leave my house.  I literally made excuses to make sure I never had to leave.  I was also scared of being left alone because I was afraid something would happen and no one would be there to help.  This was a very trying time for not only me but my entire family.  My husband and I were newly weds.  We had a brand new baby and I was the one needing all the attention.  Finally after a year of that I decided something had to change. Actually I think my family decided that for me.  I sucked up my fears and went to the doctor..  He again said that my heart was racing (probably because I panic just thinking about having to go to a doctor).  He never once mentioned anxiety as being my issue.  He just said I was going through postpartum depression and gave me yet another prescription.  Things improved but not a lot.  I was able to get out and get groceries and things but that was it.

The attacks have continued off and on since then.  When I was pregnant with Isaac I felt great.  I had NO anxiety.  Not even at my doctor visits on the three times I went to the hospital.  Once for low potassium, once for false labor, and finally for the real thing.  I felt great.  We were getting out of the house and doing all kinds of things together, life was great.  Then the anxiety came back.

I want to tell you a little about what goes on when I have an attack.  The past few days I've been dealing with this a great deal and it's fresh on my mind.  I am going to be completely honest about all of this because I hope that I can help someone with what I'm saying.  I'm also hoping that someone will read this and say Carrie, that happens to me too, you are not alone!  I'm hoping that I can find a group of people who suffer like me so that I can have you to talk to when things get bad.  It is so hard to explain and only people who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks can fully understand what it does to your body.  So this is how the last few weeks, months have gone.  First I'm going to give you some background of what i think is causing the anxiety.

Stress:  I have been under so much stress lately.  We are in the process of buying our first home.  While very exciting it also comes with a great deal of stress.  Not so much the process but the finances of it all.  It seems like every time I turn around I"m writing a check or sending in some documents.  In addition to that I the mom of two amazing kids and work a full time job from home.  Yes, I've been stressed!

Caffeine:  I used to be very addicted to cokes.  I could easily drink a 2-liter in a day.  About four years ago I decided that caffeine was doing way more harm than good so I quit drinking it.  I did not have a single caffeinated drink until during the 2nd trimester of my most recent pregnancy.  The doctor had told me that a little amount of caffeine could help with those second 2nd headaches.  That little amount turned into being able to drink a 2-liter in two days.  I was back to my old ways.  As I look back, that is about the time the anxiety came back.

So what happens during an attack?

If I am out in public and have an attack, my first thought is getting out of the situation I'm in, as fast a possible.  Walmart is still a source of anxiety.  When i am there I get hot, my heart start racing, and all I can think about getting in and getting out.  I have had thoughts of just leaving my buggy sitting there and running out.  While in the check out line I wonder exactly how long it will take.  I am scared I will pass out right there in line.  I am scared I will forget everything I know and not be able to even pay for my stuff.  I want to run out to the car and hide.  I usually just take deep breaths and play with the kids to get through it.  Once I get done in line I walk fast to get to the car.

Restraunts are a huge source of anxiety.  I am at their mercy of how long it takes.  Once I get my food I'm to worked up to eat and I end up taking it home.  Everyone always says man you never eat anything. That is so not true.  I take it home and as soon as we get there I eat.  I do try to eat in public I'm scared I will choke.  I hate this for my family because they love going out as a family and I love it too...until the anxiety starts.

When I am out in public I am still scared I won't be able to make it where I'm going.  My legs feel week and I'm scared I am going to collapse.  At the doctor I am scared when they call my name I won't be able to walk to the back.  Then once back there I'm again at their mercy of how long it takes.  By the time they get in there I'm so worked up they freak out about how fast my heart is racing...which only makes it race more!  Once they leave and I get out to the car I am fine!

That however is not what happened yesterday when I had one of the worst attacks to date.  Jordan left a few days ago for a week with his grandparents in Arkansas.  That didn't bother me at all, or so I thought.  I got up yesterday morning and everything seemed fine.  Chris left for work and then it happened.  I began thinking horrible thoughts.  Thoughts that I do not want to share.  Thoughts about things happening to me or someone I love.  Me doing something to harm myself or someone I love.  Once that first thought came in my mind I couldn't shut it off.  It was all I could think about.  I got hot, heart started racing, started breathing hard, and just wanted to run away from the situation.  But I was at home alone with Isaac and had nowhere to go.  Due to my vision I'm not able to just get out and go somewhere (which is another cause of anxiety).  Instead, I called my Mom and a friend and told them everything I was thinking.  I knew that they wouldn't think I was crazy or judge me.  They both just let me talk and listened to what was going on.  They convinced me that it was all anxiety and that I would never do anything to harm myself or anyone else.  I knew that, but I don't understand why I think those things.  I hate it.  That is what scares me.  As I talked to them it became apparent what the issues were.   We talked about how to handle them.  Then we changed the subject completely and just talked.

By the time I hung up the phone I was feeling much better but still very nervous and jittery.  That continued off and on until Chris got home from work.  I talked to him about everything and went right to sleep.  I was emotionally and physically drained.  I woke up this morning feeling much better.  Chris left for work and I didn't really have any issues, until just now.  Laying in bed trying to go to sleep my mind started working overtime again.  I tried shutting the thoughts down before they happened but couldn't.  So i decided that I just needed to come and write about it!

I have spoken to several doctors who tell me this is normal.  It's hard for me to believe that these thoughts are normal but I trust their opinion.  I know it's just the anxiety talking.  I think that once Jordan gets back home and we get back into our normal routine things will be so much better.  I would prefer to be able to get through all of this without the use of medication.  I just ask that you pray for me.  Pray that this passes quick.    Pray that I get some rest and that all the stress in my life decreases!

I believe a lot of my issues are control centered.  I am in a constant need to be in control of every situation but at the same time I hate being in total control.  I feel at times I can't win!

I apologize for how long this is...but I really needed to talk about it all!  I also hope this post makes  sense and I didn't ramble to much....it is 2:30 in the morning and I'm very tired so cut me a break!  If you have anxiety issues I would love to talk to you about them.  You can post a comment or private message me.  If you don't have my email and aren't friends with me on Facebook just ask and I'll give you my info.  Thanks again readers for being there when I needed to talk!